That’s optimistic, right? Last night I had a conversation with a friend about inherent optimism versus inherent pessimism. She thought I was an optimist. Huh? Hmmm. In a kind of crazy way that may be plausible. I told her I like to think I’m a realist, and kind of meant it in a sarcastic “I’m such a pessimist, but that’s the way life is” way, but then I thought,
I’m real, and I’m real…hopeful. I believe there is a chance for better and opportunity for success and if I didn’t have these views I could not do what I do currently (work with domestic violence survivors), study what I study (social justice, anti-oppression work, etc.) or go into the field I’m headed into (social work). I think I may actually be an optimist. Granted, with a sarcastic bent 😉
Why this shocks me is because there was a time, a length of time even, when my life was very dark and the tunnel had no light at the end. Hope was not something I could conjure up and my outlook was grim, my perspective skewed. I mistook my circumstance for my being and even as my life and outlook has changed dramatically, I’m still find myself making new discoveries about who I am, how I think, what I believe, etc. Maybe that’s my journey, maybe that’s part of everyone’s twenties.
And then there’s the Adidas store. The husband is a big Timbers fan (Portland’s MLS soccer team, if you’re not familiar). Last week he was chosen to attend some press conference from which he gleaned a pass and 50% off coupon to the Adidas Employee Store in NE Portland. He was kind enough to hold onto it until I could accompany him.
“What do you need?”
He asked me last week.
“Oh, walking shoes for Disneyland, maybe.”
(Disneyland, yes, we are going. SOON! To be touched on in the near future, I’m sure)
The store was awesome. I’ve found myself reaching for workout and yoga-style pants more than about anything lately. For so many reasons:
- few clothes fit
- need to be ready to squeeze some exercise in at any time
- I’m home so much who cares
- comfort comfort comfort.
Just to name a few. Yet I rarely put any money into these items, despite the fact that I will wear them far and beyond more than most other clothes. Unnecessary tangent avoided, I got two pairs of running-type pants, an exercise-y breathable jacket, and some kick-ass new shoes. Actually Tony and I got matching shoes. But he picked his first. He’d like that to be clear. Are we nerds? Yes, we’re nerds. But we’re cute, stylin’, matching nerds in the “hot new shoe,” so says the Adidas employee.
I’m super excited about these purchases because fitness (exercise, working out, endorphins, feel goods, Me Time) is what is most missing from my life right now. Balance is so precarious with kids–especially when the “s” is a recent addition–marriage, home, school, work, blah blah blah, that it’s easy to drop working out for a day or four or more. But I am high maintenance! At my best I need to work out to keep my equilibrium…and right now? Not my best. Not yet.
But I had a baby eleven weeks ago! I’m not supposed to be at my best.
I’m not supposed to feel great and confident and fit yet. And I know that. But it doesn’t make it easier. What does make it easier is taking action. Doing something and planting myself on a path to somewhere. That makes it easier. So I’m excited to have new stuff. I’m optimistic they will fit a bit better soon. I’m hopeful I will find the balance I seek and continue with the eternal dance to maintain it.
Because without hope, it really effing sucks to have a closet full of clothes that don’t fit you.