Endings and Beginnings (and more change).

Aside from my (likely over-the-top) whole30 coverage, It’s been pretty quiet around here lately. That is not for lack of happenings. Much has been going on behind the scenes and the past week marked a “coming out” of sorts that I’ve been eager to find the time to expand on the blog as well.

Re-cap: Here’s how things have been. For the most part Tony works Mon-Fri in the Pearl. I’ve been squeezing 16hrs of internship and 4hrs of class into Tuesdays and Wednesdays so as to minimize the childcare needed for M&M. The girls spent Tuesdays with my mom. My sister-in-law came to our house to watch M Wednesdays. Dot went to daycare Mon, Wed, and Thurs. Monday and Thursday I stayed home with just M; Friday with both girls. Generally.

change transformation season phase life ending endings new quote song lyric

In January the place that I intern begin talking about hiring me for an upcoming position. I was interested…but hesitant. I’ve been stretched for time all year–there is a lot on my plate. And then, for winter term, I ended up taking 12 credits (five more than I’d taken the previous term). I also worked my ass off to apply to grad school and wouldn’t hear back for a month or more. To top it off I was waiting for another (on-call) job I’d had my eye on for month to be listed.

question questions wonder thought ponder pondering question marks in the air asian girl young thin beautiful futureI spent a couple weeks in-flux, with a plan that evolved by the day and, most of all, just being patient and waiting to see where the cards fell. There was a lot to take into consideration. What are my limits now? How far can they stretch and for how long? What are my career goals, now and in the future? What do I want to the next year or two to look like?

Complicating this equation is Dot starting kindergarten in the fall. The schedule our school has is a ridiculous 7:45-10:45am. That might as well be preschool! I would much prefer full days and three days per week. Well, obviously, that’s the schedule she’s been on since she was two. And it works well for us. Knowing this piece of the puzzle sent me reeling a bit. What were we going to do next year?

I don’t have the answer to that question yet, but as this new position came to fruition the positive aspects for our family began to really come to light. Part time? Likely with benefits? Doing something that challenges and excites me and (I would say) people would usually complete their Master’s to do?

Um, yeah.

Of course there are a lot of players in the game. I have an ongoing internship to take into consideration and had to get permission from the school. Then I had to figure out how in the world I was going to make this work. We had to find formal childcare for M&M. It was(am) both sad and excited to take that step. I definitely have anxiety about placing her in care but I also feel relieved to be taking some of the pressure off of us and our support network, and to be expanding our options for the days things fall through. While the idea of increasing my personal load by a couple days work per week seems impossible, I remind myself the time is there, it was just spent caring for a budding toddler.

Tomorrow morning we will drop our newly walking 15-month-old off for her first day at daycare. (cue tears and/or lip biting + hand wringing)

Last Thursday I realized it was my last [formal, scheduled] day staying home with just the “baby”. Next week I start my new gig, an exciting and terrifying experience in and of itself.

Lots of bittersweet going on.

You may be wondering about the other options mentioned at the beginning of this post. That on-call job? Yep, I applied. And got called in to interview. And am currently in the process of completing the background check. And I want it. If I’m truly working 20hrs per week after graduation I think that would be doable. The question again is, can I survive until then? Can I do this until June?

And then there’s grad school. I didn’t expect to get in. I’m under-qualified and I know it. But I applied because anything might happen if you’re willing to get the ball rolling. When I picked this position and let go of the hope of completing my Master’s in Social Work in 11 months next year I felt…overwhelmingly relieved.

grad hat black yellow tassle diploma degree high school secondary celebrate hats thrown in the sky I realized how taxed I’ve felt juggling schoolwork and an internship and a family this year and how daunting the idea of doing it all again (with only a couple weeks break as school would have started July 5th) seemed. And suddenly I felt able to truly feel the joy and excitement of completing my Bachelor’s. That’s a big deal, an accomplishment NINE YEARS coming. It had gotten lost in the mix.

I spent a couple weeks with a new idea of the next year or two forming in my head. Then I begin to wonder “What if?” about school. Again contemplating my limits.

Last Friday we heard back on our applications. Really, I just want to know. What IS the next year going to look like? But I’d predicted my “outcome” months ago.

Wait listed.

Hahahahaha! Of course! I mean, really, I called it. And really I’m happy with that. This is a truly competitive program and being on a relatively short alternate list is an honor. Especially considering I lack the experience hours they ask for (2000 and at the time of application I had ~1200). So I’ll wait it out for a few more months and see how things fall. I don’t doubt there’s more craziness and chaos ahead, no matter what happens.

But I will give myself the space to express frustration in the unknown. I like to plan my shit, people!

As it stands, we are entering a new season and an especially challenging three months. I will see less of the kiddos than I’d like. As a family, we will be much more disjointed than anyone would desire. But it’s temporary and it’s positive. And this is just a continuation of 2012 being the year of the question mark. Though I’m glad to see some possibilities firming up. And I’m thankful for more opportunities than I know what to do with!

So there’s my not-so-little State of the Blogger address 😉

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