Like Wildflowers…

quote like wildflowers growth

I don’t think I need many words beyond those above tonight. I’ve had the amazing fortune or sharing my feelings over recent days with a variety of people in amazingly various forms: in person, via text, online message/email, facebook post and/or comments, phone calls or emailed screen shot.

I’m in completely dualistic places in this exact moment. Both catapulting ahead with life (as always, always!) and paused, knees bent, in a leap of faith. Swirling with certainty and doubt. Excruciating as these drawn out moments in life are, they are what keeps it exciting, what marks one year from another. They break up the monotony and tantalize the imagination.

As each month passes lately, I further appreciate the complexity of us, as human beings. Our physiological reactions and limits, our emotional responses and protections, our relational needs, our innate drive for community. Our individual complexities. Our widespread and deep running tendency to follow our peers, believe what we’re told (sold), live in denial or fear or conformity. We all carry so much, in various levels of awareness.

I find myself carrying my own fear and hope and exhaustion and motivation and scars and strength. And this newfound exploration of how amazing and functional this can be in the context of community. I think I’ll probably always run as deep–and tend toward as pensive–as I always have. I’m as much a dichotomy of optimist and pessimist as I’ve always been. And yet I’m surrounded by support through both these views, all the pieces of myself.  It’s like some synergy happens and impossible things fall within reach, doubt takes flight.

And growth.

The more heart-wrenching, mind-twisting, soul-searching whirlwinds I emerge from, the more insight I have on myself–and the better prepared I am for the next life storm. It’s so easy in this life to get comfortable–and stay there. But growing predictably, in the appropriate season, within a well-tended garden plot is only one type of life. Admirable. Beautiful even. Sustainable.

Hard to even compare to the life of the wildflower, forcing it’s success, sustenance, and mere existence into every available crack and cranny. Relentless. Brave. Independent. Stunning. May we all have a piece of wildflower in us. That seed that wants to break free. That bloom that calls to be seen. That flower that takes all it can from everything around it and gives back all it has in it’s mere existence.

Posted in A Moment, Life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

What’s your narrative?

definition noun stories we tellI’ve been thinking a lot lately about narratives. Narratives are the stories we tell, about ourselves, our loved ones, sometimes our not-so-loved ones. I had this realization the other day, that often narratives are all that is left of someone after they pass, as they grow into old age, or if they disappear for any other reason.

How often do we just take as fact “Aunt Bev was a feisty thing, but you wouldn’t want to cross her” or “Grandpa worked every day in his life because….(enter reason here)”. These characterizations are accounts completely colored by the perspective of the narrator. And these impressions are so often passed through families–and then down through generations–that then become accepted as fact. They are also very likely to become one of a few (if not the only) tidbit left of what once was–and may still be–a living, breathing, three dimensional person with feelings, thoughts, contradictions and infinite complexity.

Isn’t it amazing how we so often boil this all down to, say, the perspective of the lone living daughter and pass that on as fact and full representation. In this way, the very history of our families and origins are so altered by perspective (as is all history). Think about that next time you hear about someone you didn’t know, haven’t seen in ages, or hardly remember. Think about that next time you pass along a narrative: do you share only the good in someone? Do you overemphasize their weakest or most obnoxious qualities? Can your narrative include a more holistic version of this person and their life?

And perhaps most importantly–what is your own narrative? What piece of your personality, story, or behavior will be passed on to future generations? And are you happy with that? It may be a beloved grandchild or niece/nephew telling the story of you; it may be someone you never took much time with or never let see your whole self or who only heard one-sided version of stories from their tunnel-visioned parents.

History is revisionist. Take some time today to think about yours and the role you play in others.


Posted in Life, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Twenty-five things I didn’t figure out in my twenties.

ralph waldo emerson quoteIt was validating and somewhat therapeutic to write my previous post, describing some remarkable experiences in my last decade. If you haven’t read it, please take the time as it provides context for this subsequent list. I’m damn proud of my accomplishments and weird and wonderful things my life has included. And I have so much left to do, and infinite things to continue working on. So without further ado…

Twenty-five things I DIDN’T figure out in my twenties.

  1. if you don't know where you're going, any road will get you therePresence. I am okay at this occasionally, but it does not come natural to me and if anything I get worse at it when life gets crazy (in a good or bad way) or when I overwhelmed, irritated or tired. I struggle with this with my kids, with my spouse and with myself. I worry, project, stress and distract.
  2. Shaking off negativity. I get caught up in bad moods and pissy perspectives and holding grudges. I sometimes get stuck there–in a way that is detrimental not only to the situation at hand but ultimately to myself, my health, mental clarity and possibly longevity. 
  3. Travel. I have been to a few amazing and inspiring places in recent years. But there are so many places I haven’t been! Hawaii, Vegas, Europe, Florida, to name a few I’d like to get to in the near future.
  4. Combat sedentary lifestyle. In the last three years I have transitioned from at SAHM/student to full-time office life. I know that those hours spent sitting, and many more spent driving, are extremely detrimental to my overall health and well-being. I workout 3-4 mornings a week, but I only get occasional short walks in aside from that and often spend whole work days sitting at my desk, in meetings or in my car only to come home exhausted and sit at the kitchen table and in the recliner. I need a better balance between these worlds and to find a way to infuse more activity into my 10-hour work days.
  5. Consumerism. I like stuff. I especially like new stuff. And the process of acquiring it. I like thinking about stuff I want and looking for new things to get that maybe I didn’t even know I needed (ahem, clothes/shoes/etc). I don’t like occupying precious head space and spending limited time, energy and money on things that don’t really matter (except they do). And I don’t like buying into (pun intended) the capitalistic, hamster-cage, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses, infrastructure of the modern day social stratosphere. I expect in future years and decades to tease out multiple factors, benefits and consequences to this particular tendency or priority.
  6. Technological boundaries. I hope that I am one with practically the rest of the world here when I say I have no freaking clue how to proceed through life with all these tools–and the vastness with which they provide access to–literally at our fingertips. What you do and don’t say, when you do and don’t use, how you use, how often or intently. I need my phone something fierce, usually in a way that can’t be great. I love it for what it can do, but not for the dependance it cultivates. I worry about how it affects my brain–literally wiring and functioning being changed in a way that has yet to be fully determined. And I worry for the future of our society and our future generations. Yet, how do we stop?
  7. Giving. I’m always that person who meant to get a birthday card but forgot or didn’t ever get a chance to (or didn’t make it a priority). Or so badly wants to buy a great and thoughtful gift but can’t think of anything right. I especially want to be giving to those near and dear in my life, but also to infuse generosity into my daily experience. I now have more than enough and it’s time to loosen my grip. I need to make time and head space for thoughtfulness.
  8. Professionalism. I want to know how to combine professionalism with authenticity. I do not want to leave my self at the door when I enter the office. Receiving my MSW outlines ethical and professional expectations–some that I might not completely agree with or feel comfortable striving towards. I will forever be pushing to bring my whole story and past experiences as a client/patient/consumer into the social service world, and finding that line of appropriateness. And my current experiences/reality. I struggle with assimilation in a world I don’t fully agree with. I want to be there, and succeed there, and yet continue to grow there–and ultimately change it there.
  9. meyers-briggs personalityLife as an INTJ. One of the great blessings of my twenties was learning about my personality type. I’ve already written about being an introvert, but I am more than that and am still learning how my innate tendencies affect my daily life and how to best work within this–and fight and grow myself outside it if/when necessary. I am also increasingly able to recognize things that are unique to me for my personality/perspective and while there are many pros to “being me”, I’m seeing now some re-occurring challenges. For example, I have incredibly high expectations. I hold a grudge. I tend toward the critical. I like to analyze. This serves me well in some contexts and can/will bite my in the ass other times.
  10. Spontaneity. I am such a planner it’s kind of gross. Spontaneous things can be stretch for me, but I strive to not limit my world and options down as a result of how I tend to be. I’m okay with knowing and acting as a planner, but I’d like to do a better job of leaving space for other things.
  11. grow in all the places growthStrengthen weaknesses. In my life thus far, I think I’ve put ample time into understanding (and sometimes exploiting) my strength s and weaknesses. That is a destination to arrive at but not the end of the journey. It is the work of a lifetime to strengthen ones weaknesses, explore their origin and existence, and ponder their place and possible options to alter. I believe our weakness makes us human and our vulnerabilities are as integral to our whole selves as the areas in which we excel. And yet, how easy would it be to go through the next sixty years wearing my weakness on my sleeve, or holding it up as a shield, or meandering through life with a predetermined crutch. My weak spots need to be worked on.
  12. Satisfaction. I am eternally unsatisfied. This allows me to be motivated with internal drive to spare, but it also undermines happiness and contentment.
  13. Marriage. Yes, I’ve been married five years. No, I have no idea how to do it “right” or what does/doesn’t “work”. I know only that I am incredibly blessed with an attentive and loving spouse and we each have flaws and it seems like this partnership thing has both ups and downs and things get both easier and harder as the years pass. It is so easy for this relationship to take a backseat to kids, work, extended family, friends, etc. Another potential peril of our current season, that I know will ebb and flow as we grow and years pass. How to be independent and in partnership? How to expect and appreciate? How to be a product only of what I know and yet make and take a different road?
  14. Mothering.  I fully expect to never figure mothering out. Maybe if I’d had more children I’d feel confident in handling ages 0-5 at some point (though I greatly doubt it). As it is, kiddos grow and change as fast and you can find your footing amidst the chaos. Such is life, but parenting somehow highlights this reality. I will likely not know how my parenting pans out for another 15-20 years–which is sometimes a tough pill to swallow.
  15. Health. The many facets of health (food, movement, sleep, stress, mood, connectedness, spirituality, etc.) are daunting at best. Talk about a delicate balance if one ever even arrives. I actually don’t believe optimal health is possible within our current society. So much of it is all about mitigating the damage. For me, this process can be occasionally lonesome at best, or theologically divisive at worse. Community and connection is inherent to health, so how to find that within the confines of bucking some general aspects and expectation of the modern day world is a challenge I have yet to overcome.
  16. Body acceptance. I am so happy and relieved to find myself in a place where I hold something beyond disdain and disgust toward my body. So, so happy…and somewhat amazed. I’m far from perfect and general “kumbaya”. I no longer feel consumed with a desire to see changes, but I know I’m still pushing, sometimes searching, focusing on the next thing or another hurdle to jump. This might not be bad, this might feed my desire to be fit and dedicated, but it’s not acceptance and (if that’s a real thing) it takes much more mental energy than I imagine acceptance would. I also fully recognize this may actually get harder with age, as the culturally anointed female body becomes less attainable, as age is more of a factor alongside size and shape.
  17. thankfulnessGratitude. Always, always, always can work on gratitude and strive for thankfulness. I know it, and appreciate it as a life truth, and still struggle to entirely integrate it. More gratitude!
  18. Recovery. I could write about the things I have so not figured out around “recovery” for weeks or months. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or wrong. I don’t know what the measurements of each would even be. I don;t know if behavior trumps thought/feeling or is it’s the other way around, or some combination of the two. I don’t know how to sit with the 12-step model and it’s choke-hold on the addiction industry. I don’t know how not to internalize those messages that I do not believe to be best nor beneficial. I don’t know how to judge the consequences and potentiality of “now” for “a year/decade/lifetime from now”. I don’t know if I believe in thinking too much about that. Because I grew up without any touch point for “normal” substance use behavior, and have no set point for myself in that regard, and question if there is even such thing in this society, I am not confidant assessing my motivations for a drink, my decisions to imbibe or abstain, or stopping after two or five. I have no compass for the consequences either. It’s an interesting world– and again I refuse to accept any shame or ideas of failure. I seek only to keep talking about it, thinking about it, being engaged and aware, because the worst possible thing is hiding and festering judgement.
  19. The importance of relationship. I tend naturally toward the driven, productive, orderly, efficient “side” of things. Relationship doesn’t work like that. It happens more naturally–yet somehow often intentionally in the grown-up world. I easily make friends (after a warm up time) in situations like school, work, extracurriculars where you see the same people regularly. Building and maintaining relationships are much harder. I suppose some of that is crazy life-with-little-kids time/energy constraints, but prioritizing relationship and understanding the importance of time and experiences with people even if it doesn’t help me check something off my list is vital.
  20. Power and Privilege. The last decade brought me some pretty serious socially sanctioned success. I am a heterosexual, (upper?) middle class, white, able-bodied female in a nuclear family in suburban America. I work for the government; I oversee the funding on multiple different organizations. I likely don’t truly understand the power that comes with being me, the doors that have and continue to open based on my status in this world. I won’t accept guilt or shame for this space, but I do accept responsibility to leverage my privilege, power and access and utilize it for better. And that is absolutely and day-to-day, year-to-year thing as it is so easy to spin around the latest crisis, get protective of personal gain and/or revel in fear of risk.
  21. Balance. I generally profess to be good at this, or maybe I am saying that I strive for it, prioritize it, understand the immeasurable importance of it? But dear god, I don’t have it. At least not all the time. I want it desperately, but I don’t know if it’s actually possible. Perhaps it more about managing imbalance than actually achieving balance. I’ve figured out I need and want it and a number of things I can’t have it with (i.e. late nights, over-scheduling, addiction, bitterness, laziness) but I am still seeking the nirvana itself. Also: I’m a Libra. So that may be my astrologically-inclined lifelong thing.
  22. Life phases. I totally get that I may look like a know-it-all idiot who doesn’t have a clue what the next 5-10 years hold. I feel like that with the girls growing up. I sometimes think that about new parents–all those worries seem so quaint and cute. But that is such a necessary stage, and likely so is any I am currently inundated in. The thing I am just understanding about life phases is that they change. The present is so definitely not the always, and must be appreciated and savored for all about it that is great and joyous and beautiful, but also for the hard and the sad. Looking forward to is great, but living for later does a great disservice.
  23. Priorities. How does one go about prioritizing their life? I do not know the answer, though I strive for a balance between immediate and long-term rewards/outcomes. The sweet spot is when they can come together: working out benefits me immediately in mood and for life is health and vitality; spending time with the kiddos benefits our present and (theoretically) their/our future. The tough thing is when priorities conflict and that inevitably happens. I don’t know how priorities “should” work or “should” ebb over days or decades. I do know that priorities are truly the foundation this life is built upon.
  24. retraining your mindPeace. I so desire peace in my life–and I’m not sure it’s an attainable thing. I know meditation is something that does wondrous things in this regard. And I need to get there. I want a piece of that pie. I want to walk down that path and see where it leads. I think this particular area also plays into spirituality and the “afterlife”. I truly don’t know what I do/will believe in that regard. I know I have been so blessed to not have had death touch me too closely up until this point. I am terrified of facing it, yet I am also eager to face that fear and be stronger and more certain (maybe? maybe only more certain of the boundaries of my own control?) for it. I desperately hope that with time and age and experience comes some sense of peace to replace my at times frenetic attempts to fill this life, value this life, LIVE this life, and count the days, minutes and years until it ends in some finite way.
  25. Write. I’m not so melodramatic as to say that writing makes me whole, or is my reason to rise in the morning or something. But it is important for me. I believe it is a strength that I have, and in that way it is something of me and mine that I can share with others. It has played a role in my life up to this point and will continue to be a part through the totality of my life–exactly what role remains to be seen.
Posted in Goals, Life, Me, Parenting, Recovery, Social Work, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Thirty-one things I did in my twenties.

I’ve seen more “20 Thing You Learn in Your Twenties” lists than I can count or link to. I appreciate these lists for perspective and a social expectations check-in. But I don’t find those generic articles to represent my experience AT ALL. My life in the last decade much more closely resembles the things one checks off their socially-assumed “list” in their thirties. Except the parts where it doesn’t. And so I decided to make my own end-of-a-decade rundown.

Thirty-one Things I Did in my Twenties

  1. Went to rehab. Four of them. I celebrated my twentieth birthday in a house associated with an intensive day treatment center. When I was twenty I went to inpatient rehab twice, lots of outpatient stuff and right around my twenty-second birthday I started my fourth–and last–outpatient program. And, yes, in that time I also did my share of drugs.
  2. Went through my first big break-up. Good-bye high school boyfriend whom I dated for like four years…and was never that good for/to me anyway. Hello a few tearful afternoons, and burned notes, and awkwardly negotiated shared history.
  3. Lived with roommates. When I went to University of Oregon for my freshman year of college straight out of high school I paid a premium fee (or my own money) for a single dorm. In my twenties life forced me to live with other people. I shared a two bedroom apartment with two other girls from my treatment center. I rented a room in a townhouse with two Chinese brothers and their friend. I was a shitty roommate.
  4. Got my own apartment. When I was twenty-one I got my own apartment. It was a studio in the basement of a hotel complex and I don’t think it was even legal since there was no address associated with it. But it was mine.
  5. Supported myself. When I was twenty my parents (unexpectedly) cut me off and I supported myself by working at Subway until I moved in with my now husband.
  6. Was saved. I understand the hesitation to claim any person(s) can save someone else, but I truly feel like there were two people (and one unborn baby) in my life that stepped in, stepped up, and saved me when I really thought all hope was gone.
  7. Turned to religion…and then walked away. I had a period in my early twenties when I thought my mental health issues were a spiritual issue–or at least had a spiritual component. I gave God and Christianity one more “all in” try in my early twenties, but ultimately I don’t subscribe to religious ideals–and I can, have and do live within that reality.
  8. Lived with a boyfriend. At twenty-one I met a boy and moved in with him about two months later. One week shy of the one year anniversary of our first date we…
  9. Had a baby! By far the biggest life change in the last decade (in all my decades thus far) was becoming a mother. I had my first daughter at twenty-two and completely altered my entire life for her, for our family, and for my own survival. I was a stay-at-home mom for her first year and then an “online school at home mom” until she was two and then I was a “mostly stay at home mom” who went to school a couple days/nights a bubbles black and white
  10. Doubled my weight in a year…and then took most of it off. I had a raging eating disorder when I turned twenty. In the summer of 2006 I hit my lowest weight ever. One year later I had literally doubled my weight, gaining 109 pounds (weird, that’s my lucky number) ninety of which was through pregnancy. Apparently if you’ve starved and abused your body for six years and binge and purge through much of a pregnancy it will literally hold onto every.little.thing. During pregnancy I learned how to eat. I learned how to keep food down. I began to learn how to cook and grocery shop and exist among the living. I learned the importance of sleep and routine and the vitality to my personally (and my mental health) of exercise. I took eighty-five pounds of my pregnancy weight off over two years, without extreme dieting or exerciseninety pound gain eaiting disorder recovery before and after side by sidepostpartum healthy weight loss low fat wiiFit
  11. Lived at the Oregon Coast. When I was twenty-three years old and my little baby was three months old we moved from a suburb of Seattle to a small beach town on the Oregon Coast. We lived there for a year and a half and learned how to be a family, be self-sufficient, and embraced a slower pace of life and simpler living. rockaway beach oregon woman and baby walking
  12. Lived in poverty. I lived in/near poverty for the first half of my twenties. I ruined my credit. I navigated the social service system. I made seemingly bad choices and I was dealt many tough blows. We (once “I” became “we”) had a “government baby”, spent a lot of time on food stamps and WIC, and once almost lost our house to foreclosure.
  13. Went back to school. Twice. I went back to school at twenty-four (finally made it to the point I could qualify for financial aid independent of my parent’s income!). I took online classes through Portland Community College, then transferred to Portland State and received my Bachelors in Social Work at twenty-seven. At twenty-eight I went back to PSU and graduated with my Masters in Social Work this past June at twenty-nine.masters degree MSW social work mom student portland state
  14. Moved home. When I was twenty-four we moved our family to my home of Portland, Oregon. I’d basically left after high school but decided to raise my family closer to my own. And Portland is amazing.
  15. Got married. Married my best friend (cliche!) at twenty-four. Our two-year-old was the flower girl. We were cute and folks were happy. We just celebrated our five year anniversary.bride groom flower girl black white red outdoor wedding ceremony
  16. Settled a malpractice lawsuit. First I retained a lawyer (at twenty-one), then I filed a malpractice suit, and a month before my twenty-fifth birthday it was settled about three months before a trial date in federal court. The process was harrowing as all my medical/mental health records were used against me and all my personal communication/social media (even the Livejournal blog I’d kept since I was 16) was subpenaed and scrutinized. And then I got this fatty settlement and could pay off my debt and have this fresh start that so few people ever get a chance at.
  17. Tattooed a 3/4 sleeve. When I was twenty-five I got a half sleeve, camouflaging self-injury scars from my teenage years. This past year I expanded my work to a three-quarter sleeve. I have numerous other tattoos, but this is my most noticeable and significant. I generally do not consider it very remarkable, but whenever I venture out of the Portland area, I remember that I generally mainstream young woman with a significantly tattooed area is actually not the norm. I also work in local government and choose not to hide my tattoos.3/4 joe bass jade mermaid cardinal cherry blossoms flowers bird red pink tree branches
  18. Bought a house. We were pretty smart, paying off debt and cars and putting what was left into a house. We went from food stamps to a spacious house in the suburbs and saw (and now live) the other side of the coin–middle class America and all the privilege and entitlement that entails.
  19. Completed my family. I purposefully(!) got pregnant at twenty-five and had another daughter at twenty-six. I had a healthy and active pregnancy and a natural birth (one of the highlight experiences of my life). We weren’t completely sure at first, but during our littlest one’s second year it became clear that we were going to be a four-person family. Babies are so special and precious but I am delighted to have moved on from that stage.newborn baby girl sister family of four two daughter daughter mom dad big sister little sister pink photoshoot newborn tattoo sleeve half cherry blossoms young family nuclear modern
  20. Prioritized fitness and became somewhat of a food radical. When I was twenty-six I walked into ta new gym and discovered strength training, high intensity interval training…and a paleo lifestyle. (that particular story can be found here: I have never looked back and continue on my fitness journey, my health journey, my life balance journey. I still eat/live “paleo” to this day…three and a half years later.bicep fitness paleo
  21. Got a real grown-up job. About a month before my twenty-seventh birthday I began an internship at the county. Six months later I became a temporary, part-time employee. Six months after that I became a regular status, part-time employee. I then began receiving health benefits for my family (one of my goals of going into social work) after being denied health insurance for years. Part-time became full-time and I now have a career coordinating domestic violence services that challenges and inspires me and has allowed me experiences that continue to surprise me (winning 1.4 million in federal grants, opening a family justice center, training professionals throughout the state). I am able to financially contribute to my family and have developed an identity outside of “mommy” that has been so important for my own sanity and security. And two incomes rock.
  22. #ootd outfit of the day selfie instagram pic a day platinum blonde pixieTook #ootd selfies everyday for a year.  In 2012 I took a selfie (most often of what I was wearing) every day for the entire year. (“ootd” = outfit of the day)
  23. Got a credit card. I ruined my credit in my very early twenties, and for the next 6-7 years could barely get a car loan, much less a credit card. Of course this coincided with the recession when it was difficult to get credit in general. At twenty-eight I was approved for a Gap card and taking good care of that credit line the past two years, while all the negative stuff fell off my credit report, has helped my credit skyrocket and opened so many doors that were closed for a very long time.
  24. Vacationed. My partner and I understand wholeheartedly that we get to live only this one life and we strive to embrace leisure and adventure and enrich the lives of our children and ourselves. We are privileged to be able to indulge this value and while we haven’t gone anywhere especially exotic, I’ve been to more places in the last five years than my entire live previous. We’ve visited his family in Iowa, taken the kids to Disneyland twice, taken countless trips to the coast, camping, and to Seattle and the San Juans, and we’ve traveled just the two of to the East Coast twice. Most recently we rented an RV and road tripped to the Grand Tetons. In the last year we became time share owners to further fuel our habit. vacation family of four photopass 2012 daughters two girls lightening mcqueen california adventure
  25. Embraced social media. Social media is woven through the whole of my twenties. I started the decade on Livejournal and Myspace and am ending on Facebook and Instagram. I’m no longer the teenage/young adult early adopter, but I do value the role of social media in my life and the people it connects me to. I am also aware of the drawbacks, the risks, and the costs of living virtually. It is a line I choose to walk, and have done so in a myriad of ways in the past fifteen years–and imagine I will for the rest of my life. At times I’ve been very private and at times very public. I’m currently in a more public space and enjoying the freedom of where I am and what I choose to share.
  26. Broke my sobriety. When I got sober a week before my twenty-second birthday I’d only been to a bar twice in my life. While I had abused my share of substances I by no means led a party lifestyle and had never socially imbibed in any form. At twenty-seven–after almost seven years of sobriety–I made the potentially risky decision to try drinking socially. I feel content in the way this decision has changed my life–being sober in your twenties is hard! I feel much more “a part” of general culture, and have found occasional drinks beneficial to my career, social life, and marriage. I struggled with talking about this, because I would never want my actions or experiences to put the sobriety of another in jeopardy. But this is my reality. The biggest consequence is messing with my fitness goals. 
  27. Made friends. For much of my twenties I was isolated and without community. I was lucky to find partnership and create/reconnect with family, but I can’t say I’ve had many friends. In the latter part of this decade, my world grew–and my social circle followed. I made dear friends in school, we made friends with families through the girls’ daycare. I’ve made friends at work and amazing relationships in the gym. I’m not someone who needs a lot of friends, but I feel as if my life is full and my circle of support solid. I have been able to foster relationships that add to my life and leave those that are ultimately a detriment. Good-bye toxic friendships. Hello amazing and inspiring people who make me strive to be a better person.mabel maltese shihtzu puppy littles sister family
  28. Got a puppy. I think this is the step couples are “supposed” to go through pre-kids. But we waited until we’d left babyhood behind. When I was twenty-eight we got my first puppy, and the first pet I have really, truly been head over heels in love with (more on that here). It’s kind of scary to have such strong feelings for something with such a short lifespan. We can’t remember life without our furry family member.
  29. Had plastic surgery. As I mentioned previously I once gained 109 pounds in a year. I fucked my body up. I have stretch marks everywhere, but mostly I had a lot of loose and puckered skin on my abdomen. I also had a separation of my abs, both of which diet and exercise (despite years of trying) were never going to touch. At twenty-nine I had a tummy tuck with muscle repair, waist (i.e. love handle) and outer thigh liposuction. I was pretty extreme, but I am extremely, amazingly happy with the results. This process was truly a dream come true. In the nine months of planning leading up to it, I found myself practically pinching myself daily and walking on air with butterflies in my belly thinking of this impossible thing that was actually happening to me. I feel reinvigorated in my fitness goals, no more stuck at a dead end, and am still amazed daily at how differently clothes fit and my body looks and feels. I am so glad I was able to do this sooner rather than later so I can enjoy it for longer. And I wore the hell out of a bikini in public this summer! abdominoplasty before and after loose skin muscle repair removal excess
  30. My parents split up. This past summer my parents split up after thirty-three years of marriage. This transition is still very much in process, but it has been a life-altering event in many different ways. Absolutely a remarkable experience to close out this decade.
  31. Began to understand and appreciate myself. I have always been extraordinarily insightful, but in my twenties I feel like I’ve begun to understand the depth and realities of my strengths and weaknesses, and how to most effectively use (or guard against) each. I so much better understand my own boundaries and how my priorities affect my productivity (and vice versa). Through this process I have developed appreciation for my unique-ness, my abilities, motivations and my perspectives–at last replacing the self-loathing and deprecation I entered my twenties with.twenty-nine going on thirty
Posted in Life, Me, Motherhood, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment


twenty-nine I heartI have been twenty-nine for between 10 and 11 months. I have thoroughly enjoyed this age, as I feel like my chronological number is finally catching up to my life place and I can still joke about not getting things or wanting to deal with hard facts “until I’m in my thirties”. In fact, I could still describe myself as a “twentysomething” but I don’t because that would be gross.

I have been thinking about turning thirty for at least three years–and not in a foreboding or even a nostalgic way–I like a good milestone and I appreciate this opportunity to enter a new decade. In some ways I get to decide what I want the next ten (or twenty or forty) years to be, but in many, many other ways my life is set on a path at this point and I carry much more certainty into this decade than and previous.

I know sometimes there is a joke about Generation Y (but probably all generations as their third decade sunsets?) that we’ve wasted our twenties. I know full well I haven’t, and that is one of the reasons I’m also looking forward to tying this space up with a neat little bow and moving on. When I went back to grad school I felt a sense of relief and accomplishment that I could finish that before thirty. There are a few other things I’d add to that list also (ahem, tummy tuck). I can’t imagine a more complex, transformative, productive and overall jam-packed era than my past ten years. But that is for a post to come.

For the moment I’m focused on enjoying post-grad school life and the last few weekends of summer, settling back into my job, and getting into the best shape possible to kick this next decade off right. And I’m feeling a bit more reflective than my norm.

Posted in Life, Me, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

To be real.

I find myself in a somewhat profound space lately sitting with the weight of understanding that we have but one life. And it’s passing and we are living it, whether we are able to acknowledge and embrace that fact or not. I can speak only for myself, but I want, desire, and strive to live a full life. To be a whole person. To be an authentic being muddling through in the same vein we all are.

authenticity defintionI have many thoughts, observations, insights, theories and fears that have build up over unplanned writing sabbatical. I think I’ve learned to better express myself in the course of my “real” life (i.e. non-virtual). I like the person I am, and I have developed a wide network of relationships with amazing people whom I cherish. I would say I am “real” with many people in many different facets and strive also to be “real” through social media and other mediums.

I’ve always felt blogging was my most authentic outlet–more than a status, a picture, or a 140 character snark. When I engage in those platforms without this, I lose the depth of myself–the current under the surface, if you will. It is easy to veer into “image crafting” which we all see and consciously or unconsciously respond to on Facebook/other daily. I always want to tell the whole story and the back story. And it’s okay if most don’t want to listen.

I do struggle now with a new identity as a professional. I have been blogging off and on since I was a sophomore in high school and the weight of it seemed very different. I am eager to explore the nexus and/or balance between expressing the whole of my worldview and experience within the context of professionalism.

That is my long way of saying I am ready to be back in this space, though I have many considerations over the content/context, whilst being clear on my own intent.

Posted in Blogging, Social Media, Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment


It’s been 440 days since I wrote a blog post. Written like that it seems so much longer than to just say “last April”.

I’ve done a lot in that time–most notably complete a graduate degree. A crazy, trying, and rewarding, jam-packed, twelve months that left no time to write for pleasure (much less introspection or self-actualization). I thought often of this blog though. I come back to it constantly (even in it’s inactive state) as one of the biggest joys and possibilities in my life. Likely not this blog specifically so much as writing, creating space, being authentic, finding footing on a platform (but, please God, not one of those platforms so many spew from), and perhaps above all leaving a trail.

I so love the process of checking in with self and others via the written word. In a more formal, free, and permanent fashion than a social media status. I love to look back occasionally and recall, relive, realize and recognize. Even more than that, I find much comfort in the idea that my thoughts, my process, my life exists somewhere outside myself, both stuck in a moment and progressing through the years.

There is much settling to be done in my life over the upcoming months. I feel like I legit missed a year of my girls’ lives and my marriage began to more closely resemble and series of co-parenting business transactions. The deficits in connection are real. Not to mention the more mundane things that matter little in the grand scheme but are necessary evils to daily living: organization, cleanliness, maintenance.

I guess what I’m saying is, more to come. Four hundred and forty days worth. And a lifetime beyond that…

Posted in Blogging, Life, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sitting with possibility.

which way to go decision dilemma choice life tongue in cheek literal

I’ve found myself sitting between two life changes this spring. And also the realization that this is nothing new. I will always be who I am and it’s becoming obvious I’m a sucker for more, harder, higher or just plain different. I’ve been in a near constant state of transition since I graduated high school ten(!) years ago this June. Going big and going new and going crazy may be just what I do.

Currently, and for the past 2-3 months, I’ve been sitting at a fork in the road waiting to see which road presents itself among the land of opportunity. Trying not to force it. Trying not to stress it (at least not unnecessarily). And trying my very best to fully prepare for either outcome–knowing that one or both of my efforts will be wasted energy.

So what are these newly presented paths? The most likely one is grad school. Deep breath. A one year program to get my Master’s in Social Work. While working. With an internship. And havoc wreaked upon my family, our lives, my sanity. For 11 months…

The other option isn’t really an option. I don’t think. Usually. But sometimes a look or a comment or the mere reality of the situation has me feeling differently. So it’s an unknown. I’ve applied for I job I really, truly, believe I’m crazy unlikely to get, yet am uniquely qualified for. And the crazy unlikeliness of it has my feeling like if that were to happen, it would obviously be where I’m meant to be. And so I’d go there. Not even sure of how that would look.

I expect in the coming weeks this all will be sorted out rather quickly. But I’m in a weird spot here. I’ve been for awhile. Unable to fully commit or clearly foresee either possibility. But spending a lot of time making sure I’m fully prepared for both scenarios (applications, resumes, interviews, financial aid, orientations, schedules, etc.). I look forward to the resolution.

Though, to be quite honest, I’m fucking terrified for either to become reality.

Posted in A Moment, Life, Me, School, Social Work, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Make your own drama (shoe shopping)

Please tell me I’m not the only one who creates these situations for herself.

Spring has been in the air in Portland. And on the shelves at the mall for…a month or two now? I have a notoriously hard time finding shoes that fit–heels and ballet flats especially. Last year when I got a foot tattoo in January (genius!) I bought some cheapo leopard ballet flats from Payless and ended up wearing them and my one trusty pair of brown gladiator-style strappy sandals to work all summer. They’re now fairly beat up and I’m working more than ever. Need. More. Shoes. (always, right?)

The shoe that started it all (orange not available online)

Long story short(er), I hit a few stores last Saturday and fell for some orange ballet flats. I love orange accents, so the color was perfect but it was at Old Navy and I don’t trust their shoes at all, so I didn’t even try them on. I head home and I’ve got shoes on my brain without time to shop around (ah! first world problems!).

Thus, I’m madly online browsing most of the weekend and find the perfect shoe at a discounted price from Zappos. Free shipping and returns, here quick, yes. Love Zappos.

While waiting for that to come, I’m able to stop by and try the shoe I just ordered on–in a different color and for about $13 more. Shit, I need a half size larger. Not available on Zappos or in store. (meanwhile, I did pick up the cheap Old Navy ones just in case they beat the Lucky flats)

Another online browsing bender. Macy’s has the shoes discounted and another 25% off when you spend over $100. That’s okay, I need many shoes! Ha. Ha.

Lucky Emmie flats in mandarin

So both packages come and the smaller Zappos size ends up being perfect…but was $12 more than the Macy’s shoe (Zappos $47, Macy’s $35) and while you can exchange in-store this color is not available…blah blah blah. Ultimately I’m stressing and scheming over a $12 savings! Isn’t that the life of a deal hunter?! Gah.

Finally, do you think Zappos would notice if I sent back the same shoe in the wrong size? 😉

Posted in Me, Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Mabel: Our Malshi Puppy

8-week old maltese shih tzu dog pup black and white hypoallergenic no shed tiny teddy bear just leaving mom first petHave you ever, ever seen anything as adorable as the newest member of our little clan? This is Mabel Cutie (middle name picked by the five-year-old, obviously). Mabel is a Maltese-Shih tzu blend (both parents are full breeds) that came to us one week ago, as an eight week old.

We got a puppy? Um, what?!

Yeah, that’s pretty much still my reaction. Previously pet-less for our 6.5 year existence as a family, I always envisioned a more gradual foray into pet parenthood. And then this little girl happened. Already we can’t imagine life without her.

My better half has wanted a dog always. Somehow he got me to “agree” to a dog when we moved into out of the house we rented from my parents. I don’t remember making this agreement (I believe I allegedly made it like nine months pregnant), but there it stood. When Dot was 20 months we moved home to Portland and into a rental. With a huge, non-fenced yard. And I think we even agreed to no pets.

A big relief for this mama.

A year later we bought our first home. With a nice sized, fenced yard. The previous owners had a large dog (he did a number on the hardwoods and some of the molding). But I was in school and soonly pregnant and we were swamped.

No dog. Not even a cat.

You see, both of us (us being the parents) grew up with cats. Lots of cats. And while we liked them well enough, when it became our decision to have pets or not the amazingness of a pet hair-free household was something we really appreciated.

So we held out.

And added a new daughter instead of a pet. More than a fair trade, I say!

And this new little girl grew to be a serious animal lover. Her first birthday was puppy-themed. Her lovey is a stuffed dog named “Baboo”, the way she pronounced puppy around 12 months.

I began to want a pet for her.

Last spring we even went so far as to visit animal shelters looking for a cat. We didn’t want a kitten. We wanted a young-ish to adult cat, agile yet good with children. We didn’t find one and left spitting cat hair out of our mouths and wiping yucks from our eyes and off our clothes.


This fall Dot and I happened to be stopped at a Petco-adjacent Starbucks one weekend morning when they were holding a cat adoption. There were a handful of adorable kittens there and we both were almost immediately head over heels.

Our “baby” was now two. So far as we know (or, I say) we are done having kiddos. And in many ways life has slowed down for a second. Tony works predominantly from home. Our weekends are generally homework free (save whatever the kindergartener has). Now might be the time to bring a new force into the house.

A nearby dog shelter was having a special cat adoption showing a few weeks after our kitten run in. We stopped in and were sorely disappointed by the cat selection. But we spied a beautiful  seven-year-old poodle mix. Poor girl did not deserve to be in a shelter. Alas, we were in a hurry to get home and get our little one napped, so we headed out.

shelter dog small seven year old adult poodle mix mutt adoptableI couldn’t get that dog out of my head. I looked at her head shot worthy picture and fell in love as the hours passed. I began to imagine our life with a small dog. I’d never had a small dog before (we got a golden retriever mix when I was 11), and even though my partner’s dream dog was some sort of Rat Terrier, I’d never wrapped my mind around the lap dog option.

That was a Sunday. The shelter was closed Monday and only open 11-5 through the week. We were both swamped at work and couldn’t get there until Wednesday right at closing. By then she was adopted. I was devastated and the children, especially Dot, were too. We’d never even “met” her to see if she was good with kids, yet we’d already arranged our family around her being a part of it.

I realized I was ready for a dog. Or at least willing.

Just a few days later was Tony’s birthday, and I gifted him this card (with sleeping puppy on front):

birthday card gift dog you can have one pup happy birthday congratulations on your new puppy.And we began the search. We looked for a poodle mix, young but not necessarily puppy. We favored dog shelters. We didn’t have a ton of luck. It was Christmastime at this point and seriously cliche to get a pup, so we sat back and hoped to see an in flux of returned gifted pups.

Meanwhile my co-worker has connections to this litter of Malshis. She had adopted two puppies last year, and the canine parents had another, surprise(!), litter. I hadn’t paid much attention before, but now my interest was piqued. Another co-worker was also taking one of the seven pups. At this point there was 3-4 more weeks to wait. So we continued our search. But as time went on these adorable baby-baby puppies moved to the top of our list.

We read books on both the Shih tzu and the Maltese. I asked endless questions of my co-worker with the 10-month-old sibling set. Housetraining? Vet costs? Exercise needs? Shedding? All the answers fit in with our needs and wants. And the dogs were adorable. They don’t call this particular mix the Teddy Bear dogs for nothing.

Finally the day came to meet the litter. We tried to go in with an open mind (I loved the brown ones and am partial to girls, always. Tony liked the black and wanted a boy to at least attempt to even the household gender score). There were five boys and two girls and our little girl picked us–or, more specifically, Dotter.

We adored her and the following week was both horrendously long and way too short to prepare for such a life change. We named her Mabel, which means “loveable” and Dot added “Cutie”. I call her Mabel C. 🙂

designer breed puppy portland oregon malshi eight weeks two months fluffly no shedding dog housetrained good with kids

On the bathroom counter while I get ready.

And then, last Friday, she came home. It’s been a change, and there’s been some shit on the floor, but you know what? I love this dog. I’ve never loved a dog before, but this girl is my BABY. She sleeps on my pillow or curled up in my neck or directly on my head (and, much like co-sleeping, I imagine the day will come when we regret not training that out of her right off).

I’m surprised by how much I like her. And by what a sweet, good and smart dog she is. The first two nights she woke a few times (and ultimately early–like up for the day at 3:30am!) but that changed quickly. And she’s done a good job with the times we’ve had to leave her, so far a few 4-5 hour periods. Just this weekend she figured out how to go up and down the stairs.

There are a lot of parallels to having a new baby. Love, change, work, devotion, expense. It’s a new family adventure that we’re happy to be on…together 🙂

maltese shih tzu fluffy girl first pet tiny teacup two year old toddler playful happy love Mabel

Posted in Family, Life, Puppyhood, Tips, Tricks, and Experiences, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 6 Comments