Whole30: the solitary version

rounds two 2 second whole30 strict paleo detox new yeargreen tea bone broth kombucha breakfast lunch at work on the go meals

Day one: sugar detox prep (good meals, green tea and a thermos of bone broth)

I’m currently on Day 17 on my second Whole30. I did my first go-round last February and in to March. I ended up taking pictures of all my meals. Which I shared on this blog. Which posts to Facebook. My pictures even inspired a post on Everyday Paleo.

beef stock grassfed paleo whole30 primal detox

The first week or two I drank a lot of beef broth/bone broth. Nothing beats homemade stock. Try adding a little apple cidar vinegar and garlic--Mmmmm.

Not to mention the countless tweets, twitter check-ins, instgrams, etc. that I probably cannot even recall. The beauty of starting something like the in the new year is that everyone, and it does seem like everyone, was gearing up for a whole30 or 21 day sugar detox or some super on-track sustained paleo effort. I was at an off time last year and missed the bruhahaha.

So this year, I’m with the crowd…but I’ve tuned out. And that’s weird. I mean, it’s nice in many ways, but to have an online community (or any community!) engaged to a somewhat equal degree is a gift. And can be a powerful motivator.

So what’s it like without that camaraderie? Without the over-sharing? Without the noise?

Well, first of all it’s not that big of a deal! For the most part the days slip by. And without similar minded folks constantly slipping by my twitter feed…I kind of forget about the whole thing. That being said, I’ve kept extremely busy. Working more than usual and busting ass around the house on the weekend is a good way to keep on track (take note, naysayers who think making food changes when you’re busy or stressed is a one-way road to failure–distraction is good! Just stay prepared).

at the office on the go breakfast lunch dinner eating whole30 paleo primal strict clean eating resolution new year coffee cold brew concentrate bone broth

One day last week I left for work at 7:30am and came home at 10pm. Turns out I didn't have a chance to eat my lunch, but breakfast, lunch and dinner, as well as cold brew for coffee and a thermos of bone broth were all with me.

It’s also an opportunity to practice personal discipline and re-examine my own reasons. Why am I doing this? Well, because it works. Because last year after a whole30 I got a 40lb deadlift PR that I haven’t been within 15-20lbs of since. Because starting last October I spent three weeks away from home followed by the holidays. And while I don’t struggle immensely to stay paleo in even the worst of situations, vegetable oil, soy, sugar, and sometimes cheese or even corn sneak in.

lamb stock broth whole30 paleo clean eating nummies

At the farmer's market they were out of beef bones so I tried my hand at some lamb stock. Here are the bones roasting.

A whole30 for me isn’t about a radical change. It’s about a period of consistency. And perhaps also a testing of personal limits.

So to do it in the quiet of my own head and, more or less, in the privacy of my own life. It’s a nice second go-round. Here’s to the next two weeks!

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Social Media Break: Two weeks in

Did you all know that the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) wasn’t renewed before it expired on Jan 1? Working in the domestic violence field this is a huge deal. In the fall VAWA was all over the news–my news at least–and I was able to contact one of my senators, Jeff Merkley, in a somewhat chastising way that he was not yet on board to renew this important piece of legislation.

So last week I’m talking to a colleague who is going to present on VAWA-mandated confidentiality practices and she mentions that at the moment there is no VAWA. And I have no idea.

Um, what? How have I not heard of this. I heard a ton in the fall and then…nothing. It expired and no one is talking about it? Where is the national campaign by non-profits and task forces?!

And she says she wouldn’t have known either…except for Facebook.

OH, I’m taking a break from Facebook.

for the first time since it's creation in 1994 the violence against women act has been allowed to expire

Duh.

It’s a very interesting lesson in how I consume news. And also “news”. For example, I missed the Oscar nominations because I’m not following CNN and Perez Hilton on Twitter. I missed Lena Dunham’s reaction to basically sweeping the Golden Globes last night too. And I probably have no clue what else I’ve missed because, well, I missed it.

As much as I stay up with local news through the Oregonlive app, it’s quite clear to me that I rely on social media for national, niche, and breaking news. And any celeb or Hollywood gossip that doesn’t make TMZ. Not to mention being totally SOL on any personal news from friends (or, “friends”). That’s a post unto itself.

And on that Golden Globes note, can I just add that I adored this look by my beloved Michelle Dockery? Not that I’m in the loop at the moment, but I checked a couple best and worst dressed lists this morning and heard nary a peep about this look. The hair is what does it in. So gorgeous, flattering, and modern. I love!

But back to the issue at hand. When I first stopped Tweeting and Facebooking, I itched to write a status or share an experience. I noticed how often I’d compose 140 characters in my head. Yikes. The first week I used the Notes feature of my iPhone to jot down things that I wanted to say, but didn’t.

For posterity’s sake,  the a few issues and items as of late:

  • Muffin– So I fell in love with this seven year old poodle mix at the dog shelter before Christmas. Even though we were in to look for a cat. But she got adopted before we got her (in a odd and twisted turn of events). In the weeks since then, we’ve decided we are ready, er, perhaps I should say willing (because I think it’s like having a baby and trust me, you’re never ready) to take on a puppy. We may be bringing a bundle of adorable maltese-shit zhu fluff home as early as next weekend. Anyway, Muffin was returned to the shelter. And I felt torn and somewhat ashamed for moving on so fast after being so upset initially.
  • Gossip Girl– I finally caught up and watched the finale. The end of an era for sure. It was bittersweet, but I was ready for it to go long ago.
  • 2012 HomicidesThis article slayed me. My terminology might be lacking but the sentiment is true. The pervasiveness of domestic violence killings is shameful. This is obviously a public health issue and when is it going to be treated as such? And for each woman that dies hundreds are being mentally tortured and/or beat down to an often unimaginable level. 
  • Golden Globes- I was so excited to see Tina and Amy host 🙂
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Cleaning house (and so much more).

kitchen storage breakfast nook organizing reorganizing new year improvement cookbook storage art supplies little girl crafts recyclingI gave myself an unofficial challenge this first month of the new year. Perhaps without even knowing I had done so, but as the days and weeks pass it has shaped itself in my head and my actions.

santa gifts black friday foodsaver pyrex glass tupperware food storage dutch over food network cooking baking lunches breakfast dinner cuisnart adults giftsIt all began with our Christmas presents. We got a ton of stuff of kitchen stuff–happily (and also purposely because at a certain point in their lives some parents might find them selves Black Friday shopping together for the greater good of putting Santa gifts under the tree and meeting some long-held household needs).

Actually it all began before that. Almost three years ago we moved into this house. Our first home-owning experience. Previous we had moved yearly, both together and apart. I personally hadn’t lived anywhere move than a year since I left my parents’ house for college at eighteen. And moving so much is a double-edged sword. It makes it difficult to settle in and make the space your own. But it also provides a forced opportunity to regularly go through your things and manage your space.

So we moved in to this big, beautiful house withe multiple times more storage than we had stuff…and we did our best to make it a home.

But moving in is such a funny thing. You don’t know yet how you will use a space. So you guess. And you adapt your use to where things are, often without knowing (or noticing) if there’s a better way.

Of course life goes on. I was pregnant and in school and horribly sick and then there was a newborn and birthdays and holidays and papers and flus and jobs and survival mode and toddlerhood.

In June when I graduated one of immediate goals was to organize some/all/one of the drawers in the house. It wasn’t hard to make the place look clean, and it’s often moderately presentable, but inside most drawers was a long-ago (or perhaps never) organized disaster.

master bath drawers cupboards make-up jewelry product hair nails skin cleaning reorganizing new year self improvement project

Taming the disaster

Newborn M grew into a crawling, then walking, little disaster who , for the past year or so, has regularly emptied every drawer and cupboard in the master bath while I attempt to get ready in the mornings. And every morning as I sifted through a chaos of junk and struggled to close the drawers I felt frustrated at the state of things. And kind of like a failure.

Every weekend we spent out running errands–inevitably coming home with more stuff–there was a pang of guilt knowing we weren’t at all properly caring for all that we already had. And guilt is the ultimate anti-productivity agent (second only perhaps to shame). It does little to get you off your ass and moving in the right direction. Instead human nature often leads to pushing it down, turning away and running/shopping/eating/drinking/hiding/sleeping/excusing to mask it’s presence.

I would often lament about our lack of time. The lack of opportunity with two children underfoot. The enormousness of the task at hand. My inability to stop a project in the middle (and therefore, hesitation to start). Excuses. With truth to them, of course, but ultimately not helping me–us–at all. Instead increasing the amount of time I wallowed in that frustration and feelings of failure. Not to mention the weight on my shoulders that there was so much to do.

bags recycling being green too many organizing reorganizing sacks bag grocery tote

The pile of reusable bags I pulled out of one cupboard.

Today, after three weekends of focusing on the house–and with the luxury of the rest of the family being on board–I am in a much better place. Close to a “on top of the world” place.

It’s really quite amazing.

I’ve only experienced anything like it with a stretch of clean (paleo) eating. Two different ways of cleaning house, both creating a similar mental clarity.

And now, since I’ve not been active on Facebook or Twitter to brag-share about my productivity, here is the progress we’ve made since Christmas:

  • Complete reorganization of the playroom
  • Reorganization of the majority of the kitchen cabinets (includes emptying, cleaning and thoughtfully re-filling)
  • Master bath and kiddo’s bath
  • Dot’s room (serious out-of control mini hoarder mess) from floor to ceiling
  • Linen closet
  • Kitchen nook (includes the girls’ arts and craft supplies–kill me now)

And the projects left to be undertaken:

  • The kids’ closets
  • The playroom (again! organizing is so cyclical, as you sort out one area of the house you have to keep returning to others)
  • The pantry, fridge and freezer (though I do these more regularly, but they need it, sigh)
  • The medicine cabinet
  • The office (I’m not sure it was actually fully unpacked)
  • And perhaps obviously, the garage
  • Bonus points for: the master closet

We have gotten rid of So Much Stuff. It’s almost like a high. We participate in a neighborhood garage sale every June and I didn’t think we’d have much stuff but now I don’t know where we’ll keep it all until then.

organizing reorganizing getting rid of stuff house cleaning too much shit what to do with kids old stuff

Garage sale pile after from kids' rooms and linen closet--and partial at that!

It’s amazing how things accumulate and equally amazing to recognize the stages we’ve grown out of. Babyhood? Gone. Undergrad student? No longer. Wii exerciser? Not for years. Even toddlerhood is fleeting at this point. Wow. And we are real adults (have been for years I guess) who purchase items we need or want or like. So many of the outdated or long-used things we’d accumulated (and appreciated!) as young adults are no longer needed. It’s a bittersweet feeling.

And I’d just like to add, that I wonder if I’d be able to be so productive if my phone was pinging all the time and Facebook statuses begging to be checked. On that front, I’ve reaching a new sense of serene that is pretty fantastic.

Edit: I wrote the bulk of this post this morning. It is now 2:30pm. Both girls’ closets have been cleared of too small clothes, filled with any in their current size waiting in the wings, and reorganized. Phew! I am VERY eagerly anticipating a weekend not filled to the brim with being stuck in doors, buried in material chaos and longing for a shower. Some day 🙂

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Transition complete(ish).

I took the slow and gradual route toward working momhood. First I was an exclusive stay-at-home mom. Then, I did online schoolwork in my “spare” time. When Dot was a year I took one on-campus class–one night per week. Then, class two nights per week. I began volunteering an evening or two as well.

When I begin attending “university” in fall of 2009, Dotter was just over two. We had a fair split of daycare and stay-at-home mom time. Later that year I got pregnant with Miss M. For the most part I re-set the SAHM switch…briefly. I attended school part-time, one afternoon per week with an online course or two. Manageable.

In the summer of 2011 I had my first break from school in three years. It flew past.

Last fall I began an internship (and classes again). We hodgepodged childcare among family for nine-month-old M. It sucked, but it worked and we made it. And, of course, if you’re a regular reader, you know this story.

In March I was hired as an employee and M began part-time daycare at a temporary facility. In June I graduated college. In July I started a second job. In September Dot begin kindergarten and M moved into a (coveted!) spot at Dot’s in-home daycare with a much more forgiving schedule.

In October I completed a traditional hiring process to become a regular (albeit part-time–YAY!) employee. I also took on the duties of my full-time co-worker. Four months later I am still carrying those responsibilities on top of my own. With extra hours to show for it, so not to worry.

So many transitions, and through it all there’s been this process of growing familiarity with the working mom gig. Being away is one step. Entrusting care is another. Obligations add an additional layer. But I’ve found that those vary widely with expectations and responsibilities.

Every day is a juggling match just as it always was. It just seems the boundaries are more defined now. And, at last, the tangible benefits are coming in. Like paychecks, health care, and retirement funds. Esteem and opportunity don’t motivate everyone but I strove (strived?) for a long time on visions and feeling alone. It finally feels legitimate.

And we’ve quickly fallen into the ebb and flow of workweek to weekend. It’s oddly comforting to be somewhat on-par with the rest of the world. Though I do love my free Fridays at home with the girls. If only kindergarten didn’t interfere! And I recently began staying home with M on Monday mornings as well. So there’s a nice balance to things (so, you know, knock on wood, because it’s probably all about to change). Though bittersweet, as experienced when I worked through the summer and sent Dot to daycare through her winter break.

Next year, I’ll have time (paid! time!) to take off. Then again, who knows what next year will hold? Says the girl (lady?) who submitted a grad school application last week like the crazy person she’s always been.

I’m blessed to be where I am and grateful to have a job (shocked, still, to have such a fabulous one). It’s been a long time coming and there’s a strange peace like we may have finally arrived.

So it makes total sense we’re in a market for a puppy, am I right? 😉

Posted in Family, Life, Motherhood, School, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Finding a Fresh Start.

The new year is a curious thing. Many times it has slipped by me as little more than a marker that the return to school is that much closer. Or a reminder that taxes need to be done.

2013 is different.

Starting a new calendar year feels like the long-awaited trigger I’ve been caressing for longer than I’d care to admit (and please, excuse the gun metaphor in this current climate). Last year I made resolutions. And that worked out really well for me.

This year I’m making changes.

Not in the permanent, forever, everything is different for always way. But in the awkward yet exciting developing a new habit and you’re not sure where it’s going to take you or how it’s going to feel way.

I posted the following quote/image on Facebook:

quote inspiration quotes new year fresh start try beginning

Then I declared I was taking a break from it. I deactivated my Twitter account. I deleted all my social media-ish iPhone and iPad apps (except Instagram, though we will see if that lasts). I disabled all notifications. I logged out of my various computers.

I wasn’t too sure what to do with myself.

A day or so later, I feel free. I feel light. I feel in the dark (information is out there! and I don’t know! oh no!). I feel weird. But I feel okay.

Maybe it’s odd to blog in the midst of a social media fast–per se. This feels very different to me. This is intentional. Cathartic and productive. Facebook (and to a lesser degree Twitter) was a time suck. It held my energy and feelings hostage all too often. It was automatic in a way that I can’t really even describe.

Other changes in the new year include: another Whole30-type detox-ish program-like thing, methodically working through organizing my house, marking my mileage reimbursement by my odometer, and carrying a book with me.

It’s a new year and I am ready to feel my best, even if there’s sacrifice in finding out what that is–and how one gets there. Also? As of January 1 my family has health insurance! Together, for the first time ever. So I’m looking forward to taking advantage of that.

I hope there is more to come on this month. But if I’ve learned anything through the last year or so, it’s that I can’t anticipate my time or motivation for this particular endeavor. There’s just not much extra of that to go around 🙂

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2012 Resulotions Rundown.

This past year was the first I made New Year resolutions (and then added a few!). I meant to check in on my progress toward those somewhat off-the-cuff goals all year. I never did. Last night, during a rare bout of insomnia I pulled my 2012 list up with metaphorical fingers barely splayed over my eyes.

But you know what? I pretty much rocked it!

  1. I said “No” more. We even missed some kiddie birthday parties. And it was okay.
  2. We got some paid help with the house and the yard. Money well spent.
  3. We joined a CSA and bought the majority of our meat/eggs directly from local farmers! Very happy about the steps made in that direction. And more to come.
  4. I probably bought too many clothes. Oops. But I shopped a lot of consignment.
  5. I think family time did take a higher priority. Especially once I finished school. Have you seen me blogging in the past six months? Um, no.
  6. I got a chin-up! And I’m on the tiniest band for pull-up, that adds helps with like five pounds.
  7. Podcast listening fail 🙁
  8. Mobility. Well, I did at-home exercises in the Spring. Then slacked off again, but started up last month when my SI joint began acting up. Some progress.
  9. Photo-a-day project? Owned! And so close to being done, thank you God. I think I missed 3-4 days out of the whole year.
  10. I did not get a single parking ticket this year!
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September

We’re in-between seasons. And it’s the most beautiful mix of the best of the two. The days aren’t too short yet. The afternoons are sunny, warm–even hot! The mornings are crisp and cool. The leaves are so barely changing that a mostly orange tree is cause to stop and stare. And it’s harvest season (we’ve been listening to a lot of “Little House” audiobooks over here).

I’ll admit I have been craving a rain. I good pour and a day to stay inside that going along with it. I can’t help it–I’m as Oregonian as it gets. Alas, this slice in time cannot be beat. Where the inevitable change is here and yet there is a pregnant pause before summer’s final departure…that you either love or hate.

I feel equally in-between, similarly on the cusp.

I feel like I’ve waited for thing to settle down for years now. But, much like the weather, that is not the intent for this life. Growing, changing, pausing, dying, moving, nurturing, living. There is no pause button, only a handy-dandy iPhone through which to snapshot a moment in time and quickly upload to instagram with a cool retro overlay.

In the last year I’ve moved into a place of [more] acceptance that time will do it’s thing. My children grow. The weeks pass. We do what we can and worrying over the rest is not for everyday life.

I think babyhood (especially if you think it will be your last go-round) does weird things to a woman. A Mom. In that respect I’m happy to be moving swiftly out of and beyond that phase. Precious M&M is going on twenty-two months. And with a big (5-year-old and kindergarten attending!) sister as her best friend and primary influence, she’s an older almost two-year-old than my firstborn was. Straddling the line between babyhood and beyond.

And Dot started kindergarten last week. And soccer a few weeks before that. Happy changes and exciting times that change the structure of a family. It’s ups the ante of our go-go-go. It cements that passage of time.

The funniest thing is, I don’t think anyone could argue that I/we have not used our years well. We’ve done so much. There have been ups and downs but really an immense taking in of experiences whilst incubating this precious family of ours.

I feel really good about the last six years.

And I feel really good about the one…six….sixty that are to follow.

So that was a random and grandiose tangent. I blog so rarely these days that I apparently feel the need to cover the expanse of my life, from minutia to manifesto.

It seems we’re always in-flux, but now as much as ever. Just as we get the two working parent thing a tiny bit down, we add a school-attending kiddo. Tony begins a new project where he primarily works from home (mostly, YAY, but also a transition, especially for the little toddler who has no knowledge of Daddy being home yet unavailable). I’ve been endlessly strung on with two separate jobs, waiting them to morph into how they are actually going to look. Add in extracurriculars, conflicting schedules and  seemingly impossible logistics. Oh, and a shit-ton of driving. Woo-hoo, modern family-hood!

I joke. Kinda.

As time marches on I’m seeing some of the struggles of early motherhood (identity stuff, priorities, boundaries) are not a temporary adjustment but a lifelong balance. The ease of which ebbs and flows, but any hope of finesse comes in flexing those muscles and working that struggle. Does that makes sense? Because I basically attempted a workout analogy there. It’s not that it gets easier, but I would practice makes it seem easier. Either that, or you’re two exhausted, overwhelmed, run down and/or distracted to take on any extra worry or stress. The day is done and I can lay in bed? SUCCESS!

I think I’m seeing the upside to this school-age kid gig! 😉

I’ve always loved this time of year. I liked back to school. I love fall weather. I felt at home on the soccer field. As I get older I find myself craving the rain. And shopping obsessively for new boots. It doesn’t hurt September’s case that my birthday is soon to follow. This month is fun, all new clothes and fresh change and hope and impending festivities.

I love (love!) summer but I’m happy to be here.

I loved school but I’m happy to be in the “real” world.

I loved the freedom of the preschool years but I’m happy for Dot to move on to the next.

Tis a season, always a season.

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Up, up and away

A rare post calls for an extraordinary occurrence. In this case, that would be an expanse of time (five days and four nights to be exact) relieved from my mother and wife-ly duties.

I am currently traveling down south (Texas to be exact) on business. Whoa. This may be one of the most grown up things I’ve done to date. Because, to be honest, usually travel arrangements are made FOR me and logistics taken care of by my better half. In this case I made arrangements not only for myself but for five other professional travel companions.

And now, I’m blogging from my iPhone on the floor of the San Francisco airport on the clock.

Sweet life 😉

I’m hoping to make time in my freakishly free evenings for a little blogging this week, so stay tuned. I’ll either revel in the calm and quiet or start to go batty.

Also, it’s going to be freakishly hot. So, wish me luck with that!

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Five.

little girl ocean oregon coast water waves sand sunny sky swimsuit pensive vertical

Five is full of wonder.

Five years of motherhood.

And a five year old girl.

Straddling the line between big and little.

In the world we move in, filled with babyhood and preschoolers, five (and tall for that!) towers. Yet headed for baby status [kindergarten] in the fall.

Dot is as much herself as she has ever been. She’s quick to feel emotion, intensely. She’s kind-hearted and stubborn. She’s so bright and full of life. She’s a natural leader and has easily embraced the big sister role.

She’s a lot like she was at four…but bigger. Calmer. Wiser. More measured and insightful. It’s bittersweet this watching them grow up.

In that last year I’ve found that I’ve shifted out of nostalgia or losing-the-moment based parenting and more into an acceptance of the present…and a lot  of excitement for the future. (For example, I am OVER babyhood. I cannot wait for day trips, diaperlessness, independence, and overnights. I’m ready for two kids and all the doors that will open once toddlerhood (sweet and beloved though it may be) is in our past.)

In the past I’ve stressed over spending enough time, making the most memories and soaking up all the sweet. I’m in a place now where quality over quantity feels natural and right. It’s actually a big relief.

little girl birthday dressed up harry potter hermoine wand gryffindor robe tie burgundy gold beach playing in pajamas crocs

Five is magical.

And Five seems to fit right in with that outlook.

Five isn’t so interested with Mom and Dad, though sometimes is pretty cool.

Five (at least in our house) is social and outgoing.

Five goes on camping trips sans the family and contemplates overnights with friends.

Five likes to spend an hour or two alone in her room.

Five watches Harry Potter and reads Boxcar Children, American Girl, Little House on the Prairie and non-Ramona Beverly Cleary.

Five is so eager to soak up reading and writing and geography and math…but so hesitant to be taught by her parents.

Five is on the cusp.

And, for whatever reason, I feel like we as a family are right there with her. Happy Birthday to our Dot.

And with that, another year passes oh so much quicker than the last.

I am five years old birthday button bake candles

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Life Cycles: blogging through them

A post where I lament over the fluidity of life.

I’ve waxed and waned as a blogger since 2001. I can look back and see the times that I’ve most consistently blogged were when I was especially isolated–be it by geography, babyhood, or personal turmoil. I generally blog because I like to, because it’s beneficial for me, and/or because I have something to say and find power in feeling heard.

I best (and naturally) blog from a place of authenticity. When that isn’t a perspective I can currently or safely access, I tend to back away from this public forum. I can look back and see times when that has happened. My need for this outlet may be less, the cost of such openness may have risen, life may be too full (or too dull).

If blogging cycles run in a parallel way to life cycles, then I have to acknowledge the difference between where I am now and where I was when I started this blog (and resurrected my “blogger” identity) about 18 months ago.

  • I feel skeptical of anonymity
  • I am increasingly sensitive of professionalism
  • I carry concern for my children’s right to their own autonomy (a five-year-old and budding kindergartener differs greatly from a mostly protected three-year-old)
  • I carry many different roles, including being the/a representative of: local government, my department or division, my generation, the domestic violence movement and/or non-profit world, services to aged individuals, “the system”
  • I am hyper-aware of perception–and possible misconceptions
  • I am caught up in many other pursuits and otherwise fulfilled in my day-to-day life in some of the ways blogging is functional

I’m not sure all of those points make sense. So here’s what I’m saying: I recognize that this blog is neither private nor anonymous and the anxiety that creates ebbs and flows. My concerns and possible implications change as my life and lifestyle change. My kids are getting older and I am cognizant of their own privacy (current and future). As the number of people I come in contact with in a professional capacity increases, and the breadth of entities/communities/movements I represent in a given situation morphs; I am increasingly conscious of what I might say or do in all aspects of my life. That being said, I am finding an increased need to use my personal time as just that. That could be in response to creating some kind of work/life balance or an off-shoot of feeling that this space is less then sacred.

Lastly, this blog is anything but private, so far as available and open to people in my life. If I publish posts on Facebook, well I’ve got a good handful of Facebook friends from the majority of arenas in which I live my real life. This is exciting, perhaps unusual, definitely authentic…but it is also intense. I wouldn’t change it but I have to acknowledge the limitations. I try my best to be who I am and own what that is, but I definitely fall prey to concerns over the way my “problems” or perceptions may be [mis]construed. Does that make sense? The trouble with putting yourself out there as a real-life portrayal of…. (motherhood, advocacy, the portland-area, paleo, student parenting, sobriety, a human living life, etc.) is that you become a representation.

Maybe that’s where my fatigue has come in.

It seems like as much as I’ve been able to be a real person, I’ve also become a spokesperson. And dammit if I don’t get annoyed as all hell over spokes-people in social media. Like, STFU and be a real, whole, multifaceted person. I hope that I don’t come off that way, but I am sensitive to the possibility of someone feeling like I do. And now that I’m a part-time spokesperson M-Th, I’m kinda good in that regard.

This is my long and arduous way of acknowledging that something has been different in my blogging, for awhile now. My guards are up, my posts are infrequent and it’s more than just busy. I don’t know where this space in the cycle will take me, but it may be surface-y stuff for awhile. And that’s fine too. I’ve actually got an arsenal of those posts ready to take the screen. Or, my winds may shift and I may find myself eager to re-engage this as a space of self-discovery and engagement.

Whatever happens, I want to be as real as possible along the way.

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